you are now pronounced male!!

“Gender is a set of characteristics that are seen to distinguish between male and female.” is what I have been hearing till now. They are roles created by the society as being ‘appropriate; for that particular sex. Being young give you freedom from the separation or not minded, the same pool, changing clothes easily were some things that could be easily done. The time that I got distinguished was when I started taking separate showers. One of the most commonly spoken about would be when be the difference between the toy we buy, with the mean and mighty for the boys and the delicate and docile for the girls. Gender roles according to me is set by the society as “suiting her/him best” ,not what the individual develops on her/his own, but what they are meant to follow in order to fit in.

How did I derive my gender

These are some pages from my journal which tells how i figured out how gendered i am ...this is not exactly an abstract but a somewhat a approach of making or writing notes throughout my past life

Gendeing one self

This shows my journey,in which i have got gendered and have paved a way for my sexuality and gender through out my life.
And looking back through my life it was really shocking to realize that as i grew up my restrictions and borders confided in ,giving me less space for my true identity and it was really weirdly funny to notice that my gender is influenced and impinted because of the fear of the society more than my own experience and experimentation .

You Are A Girl, He Is A Guy!

You are a girl you are suppose to ....

how can you do that? "You are a girl"

A girl should not do that!

Expectations? Restrictions? Few differences which when questioned are not answered or answered as " You are a Girl"

who defines the border for a girl and a guy? are they even any borders for a guy?

Is your gender defined by how you look OR by how you feel?

I never felt there was any difference until I noticed instances like-

when going out somewhere:

guy: Bye I am going!
(over and out)

girl: Bye I am going!
(Not over)
--> Where are you going?
       why do you need to go?
       with whom are you going?
       what time are you going to be back?
(still not over)

*phone calls* (every now and then)

And there are many things like these.

and if questioned by a girl... why only me? ... why don't you question him?
The answer is "he's a guy".

Caught between a boy and man...

It was not until kindergarten that I had developed a gender identity for myself. Being the only child in a family, for a long time I didn’t really know any difference between boys and girls. I just had the idea that girls wear different clothes than boys and spoke a little differently. And that was it that was all I knew.But by kindergarten I realised we were different from girls in a lot many ways.

Separate rows for girls , separate toilets, different uniforms, in fact even small things like our names played a role; when our names were called out for attendance I realised that boys and girls had different names. I had a name which no other girl had, but again was shared by five other boys in my class (yes, almost all Indian parents decided to name their kids Abhishek in 1990-91).

And embarrassing as it may be, I have to admit of being called a ‘girl’....several times. Over the phone, in the playground, in class; you name it, but that didn’t really affect me much. But perhaps that explained me hanging out with girls more than boys, because that was the only time I felt more masculine.

I always felt like a boy and still do, don’t feel like a man yet. Just a boy.

will this battle end...... ????

There are a number of factors that have affected my gender one of them being my emotions. Culture, family background, and the society do play a very important role. Since childhood there were a number of things I was told not to do or to stay away from. As I grew older these borders also started growing and became more intense. Even though my parents believe that they treated both their kids equally, my brother who was younger to had more freedom to be outside till late, change in public, and not worry about what clothes he has worn which made me realise later that this indifference was because of my gender. However there were many instances that made me change my thinking and at times I even took chances of breaking these borders and exploring those spaces. Before I was a very shy and introvert person but after I got involved in sports I changed a lot as a person and people started calling me tomboy as I used to be in my tracks and shorts most of the times , played games with guys and had more guy friends. Also I became independent quite early in life and I used to travel alone and live alone which man felt was not a right thing to do as a female. But I was comfortable with myself being that way. I feel that my brain and heart is a healthy mix of a woman and a man but I still strongly feel like a woman emotionally, physically and mentally.

How gendered

Gender 'I'dentity

I was reassured of my gender identity in the following events.
The most painful was when i was taken at the age of five to get holes pierced in my ears to poke small silver ornaments through so that i could be differentiated from boys.
The other was a chore when i was 'encouraged to start', though i regret discontinuing at this age. It was the classical dance classes i was asked to join.
I was also never allowed to travel by public transport during the day or night.
Whenever anyone would buy presents they always coincidently chose the colours pink, purple or other feminine colours. So my wadrobe or toy things were always colour co-ordinated.
During my school days when choosing subjects some were considered boy subjects - maths, economics, accounts whereas girls chose art subjects instead.

My first log book post

how and when i realized my gender?

i realized my gender when i was in grade 3 after a bullying incident that happened with me when a group of my classmates bullied me and dragged me and locked me in the girls washroom and there were already some girls inside. I felt very embarrassed when i came out and people teased me about it for months after that which left a deep impact on mind as it clearly marked a clear boundary in my mind about the difference between girls and boys. Also many unanswered questions and built-in interests and fantasies which were just there and I never knew about them but when i became aware of them like ' oh yeah! i like cars and hot girls and guns are nice but i hate dolls' was actually true and that what a man really likes and thats exactly what i like. This realization played an important role in helping me realize my gender.

How did I derive my Gender?

I found it interesting how i never really ended up thinking about how i derived my gender before?

To go back in time, I found it really interesting and remember all these instances, to start with - As a child, since our voice had not cracked and as i would answer the phone - people thought i was a girl due to my voice. Various other simple incidents like when guys would go swimming, we were allowed to cover only one part of the body while women were told to be dressed and carry their body differently.

These small incidents played an important role in my early realization of my gender - Later on i can say my first sexual experience with the opposite sex had an important role in my gender and sexuality discovery.

Svabhu Varma

I have to prove myself

I am not confused or unsure of my sexuality, but a constant expectation regarding my masculinity and its show from other- peers as well as family makes me think, why do i have to prove myself to anyone? how will it affect them? is it because they are unsure of their sexuality and its portrayal and thus expect others to showcase their masculinity or femininity. Or is it homophobia that makes such situations to arise.
Another observation is that as a man I am Expected to play an active role, in comparison to woman who are expected to play a passive role. I am in no way saying that I do not play an active role sexually or emotionally but this idea of showcasing it to others so that they feel sure around you is something i can't really get my head around. Throughout life I myself have been tutored to demand others of their surety of sexuality and probably it is something very difficult to get out of. But i am happy that such a thought has arisen for me to ponder over.

Could you say that just by looking at me?

In my journal, I've asked myself questions, written down dialogues I've grown up having and then tried to visualize what I think of gender identity.
Its neither here nor there.
Visually, I am a woman, biologically I am,
But who decides on the behavioural front,
who defines what I am?
I think looking at differences in gender and how it leads to social situations of a violent nature, will get difficult, since the stand I take might be affected by the warped understanding I have of my gender identity.
But do I need that clarification about my gender ?
Couldn't it just exist without a name or a definition?

how i was gendered

when i was thinking on this question 'how i was gendered?'. i came up with different point but in all that i think the most important part is played by my likes and dislikes. and thats what definitely gendered me.

since my childhood i know what i like and what i hate, also its been constant for a long time. for example colors i like, cloths i wear, colors i hate., sports i like etc.

as well as other that this the way i talk,i behave in public and people around me are responsible for my gender identity.

so over all my likes dislike and environment around me has gendered me.i guess.

I am willing to explore..

I made a stencil of a cup placed near a round jug and painted the shapes into the journal.

The cup represents my sexual identity because as a sexual being I have a gender and have my characteristics. Yet, just like a cup does, I am open for other materials to fill myself up. In this context, the jug placed next to the cup in the stencil represents my opposite gender and the open cup refers to my willingness to explore and experience my opposite genders characteristics.

The uploaded picture is from the my journal and it shows the transitions of my thoughts and behavior as I progressed in age. At the age of 16, I started discovering the sexual aspect of the male gender and in the picture, the characteristics of the pot that represents me consists of timidness, hyperactiveness, sensitiveness, sensibility etc.

Similarly at 16, the characteristics I saw in my opposite gender includes shyness, restrictiveness.. etc.

When I found in myself many characters of male behavior, I didn't want to confine myself that set of behavior but instead I put in effort to empathize the behavior of other genders and other groups and I still do that.

Gendered

If I could

Please click on the picture for the full-size version
If I could deny it all,
I would,
because what I have to accept,
is already
within me.

I don't know how to answer the question-'How am I gendered?'
What is my gender, really? In my journal, I've tried mapping out questions related to sexuality and my gender identity in the form of things that people have said to me while I was growing up.

you say either

To categorise by elimination is an easy process, especially when one is taught that gender exists in only two distinct categories-male and female. I first discovered that I am engendered female by learning that I was not the same as my brother. Despite being equally difficult children, we both would go to different aisles at the toy store and he could change into his uniform carelessly while I had to shut myself in a room. These differences became more and more pronounced as we grew older, more self-aware and interacted with our respective genders. With my peers, I understood the expectations in society that characterize the female gender and I became engendered as I developed/conformed myself in the direction in which these expectations are fulfilled even if I doubted them at times. Entering adolescence, when self-consciousness of body hair dictates one’s attire or one’s choice in music or colours is enough to label one as a tomboy, is a period when I felt discomfort with being presumptuously gendered and realised how little freedom there is to meander between genders as I would at times. I guess I was engendered female without realising it, owing to my comfort in being one and how readily I chose to be accepted as one in society . Today, I may struggle as I develop from a girl into a woman but consider myself a female comfortable with fluidity between genders.

Discovered female!

I'd rather say i discovered my gender after a considerable age, since i was not even close to being similar to the women i was born amongst. I loved being a woman but not typically feminine...i had very few of the characteristics that make up for a gender that i felt i belonged to only physically! i kept weaving a gender definition for myself, only to feel disappointed by the fact that i don't quite match my approbation. But then i grew up and learnt that there is much more to a woman than what i have grown up knowing. So, as a prolific amalgamation of a few a rooted feminine traits and a handful of incongruent ones, i discovered, I'm certainly not submissive, polite, petite, fragile or obedient, yet i'm very proudly a WOMAN.

"How were you gendered?"

Gender is something that gives an identity to the person in terms of male or female . I think my gender was decided at the time of conception only . Gender is not only decided by the genital , but it is how one identifies himself i.e. a male or a female . I think other than my genital am gendered by my masculinity . My physical appearance , my features like broad shoulders , facial hairs , voice and etc are also the points that i considered responsible for my gender . Even things like society , family and factors that are in place before birth also contribute to my gender . Defining gender is not like the once and done process of identifying the structure of a water molecule .